Feels good

10:45am- Oh damn, I'm late!! I had to be to work at 11am. Am I still on CPT? I was hoping I would of broken out of that again...maybe not. I need to work on that.
Work wasn't bad, at all. Kinda slow but steady. We got new menus! (yay for hatch chili!)
I actually got to school on time...just to find out the instructor wasn't there. So we had a sub. The sub is one of the "norm" teachers...strange guy but funny. I'm taking Intermediate 3D modeling...again. Gah! When will it end???
Since I'm around a computer, I checked my email. To my surprise, I got an email from my first love. I hate to admit, it brought tears to my eyes,being that I thought I will never hear from him again. It's funny because I was thinking about him earlier and last night before I went to bed. No matter how hard I try, everything reminds me of him...down to Mayer Hawthorne, Big Bang Theory, Scott Pilgrim, Jelly Beans, Hawaiian Punch and cats. *Sigh* I was telling someone about the time we went to the haunted house. -_- I figured maybe Usher was right...I do have it bad. But seriously, what can I do?? I try so hard to let go...I just can't. Am I crazy?
So anyway, after reading his email, I did feel a little better. I didn't feel like such a sap. I realized out relationship throughout the years and I had the best time of my life. I experienced a lot, learned a lot, and just enjoyed his company. I've haven't quite been able to run into another guy who I click with the way I did with him. It's kinda good and bad... Good because that means he's special. Bad because I'll probably never get married now. Damn. But hey, marriage isn't everything. I am glad to know he still loves me somewhere in his heart. I always wondered how could you stop loving someone so quick. I'm still hoping one day he will want to be my friend because I always loved him as a friend before we were together. I'm trying to be ok with the fact he's moved on and doesn't want to be with me anymore...ever. And eventually, I will...I hope. For now, I'm focusing on school, work, and getting myself together. One day, I'll have my own place again, get my cat back, and my life. Til then, I'm just a girl living in a living room of a nagging gay man who drives a moped. *sigh*
Well, gotta get ready for a birthday dinner tonight...it's the second one this week. What's with October babies?!
Til next time,

I forgive you.

Where ya been?

Ok,for those who do read my stuff, they ask, "where ya been??"
Honestly, I've been going through a LOT of crap....
Things aren't exactly all the way better but at least I have a computer to use now.
I'm back in school..which is great I guess. I really want my degree. It's been a long time coming.
I still work at a Mexican restaurant. And I live in living room of a gay guy. It's not all bad, but it's not all good. It could be so much worst. And you know what? I'm thankful for that. (haha-inside joke with a girl friend of mine)
You know something that always had me scratching my head? Relationships. I didn't think it would be such an heart ache til now. I tell ya, when that Irish guy said "when a heart breaks, no it don't break even" he was so right. Because it's like hell for me while he's doing so great, doing so much and seem to have forgotten about me. I'm trying to deal. Nothing works. Nothing. And everything hurts. Hopefully one day, I can and will be ok. For now, I'm just dealing. No one said it would be easy or take so long...but man, when does it end??
I'll always love him. Always have space in my heart for him. I always think of him. I guess it hurts more knowing the feeling isn't the same. And just the way he treated me hurt a lot, too. Instead of telling me he couldn't be my friend and didn't want to talk to me, he ignored me and treated me like a pest. Ouch.
Maybe I'll go away someday but til now, I'm stuck in a rut. Gotta be thankful for those.
I've been listening to Bjork a lot lately...it helps me a lot to...relax.
I saw my cat, Paco the other day for the first time since I dropped him off at my bro's house. He's a really fat cat. But I love him so much. My lil' boo he shall stay. Even if he was a bobcat, I will still love him. (I told my brother)
I think I'm going to go and do something with my life now...I been on this thing all day and only drank half of my coffee, ate half of my bagel, one spoon full of apple sauce and filled out half of a job app. *sigh* my life...
Til Next Time,
Cross your heart...and hope not to die.

Pondering on something late a night....

So, lately I've been working my butt off with barely time to eat,sleep or have a moment to myself...there's just not enough hours in a day. I swear. The days are still hot as hell...I'm so ready for the fall! :( I'm reluctant about finding out what I have to do for school...I'm so close. Will I get back in for the fall and graduate by Summer of next year?! Good question. Stay tuned I guess. My feet hurt a lot lately, I guess from being on them all the time. I thought since I work at a Mexican restaurant I'll get more immune to the cheese/dairy but no. It's still f***in me over. Ugh...
One of my friends who worked with me at one of my jobs had to leave Saturday. At such short notice too. She was suppose to leave next month but a change of plans made her leave very soon. I felt kinda bad for her because...well, in a nutshell, she was in love...her and her boyfriend both had to break up and neither one of them wanted to. It was really sad. That's all I'm going to say on that one...I don't wanna put her business out there like that. :-/ hmmm. I finally got a day off after a long weekend of working. It was nice to sleep in a bit. I'm thankful for that.
My mom took my dad to the hospital tonight...supposedly, he could be going blind in his right eye. I'm a little sad because I'm thinking...what would I do without my parents?! I don't want to loose either of them. And they just seem to be getting sicker and breaking down. I do wish and hope and pray on everything that they will live a little while longer to see me get married one day (if that will ever happen) and see their (well my mom's first) grandchild. And you know...just all of the above. I'm kinda tired of loosing people. Right now...it's just a little rough. Somehow lately, I've been able to keep a smile on my face and keep moving as if nothing is bothering me! :) The way it should be, I guess. *sigh*
Well, I do have to go right back to work tomorrow...just one job though. :) That's a little easy on me. Hopefully sooner than later, I'll be caught up on the bills and won't have to work two jobs anymore...or find something a little better that pays enough to survive a little. At the end of the day...I am trying to give it my all and just be a better person. And on a side note, since my car has been messed up, riding my bike is KILLING ME! But maybe it'll help me get back into shape, too. I hope so. I think my legs are getting a little toned now. Haha. :) Yay me!
Soo, I guess I"ll go now...you know...to sleep...It's late...and here I am again...up for no reason. I miss coffee. :(

Till next time! Stop procrastinating!

"He use to love me..."

Wishing I was just the one and only

I use to believe and take your word for the things that seem so crazy. Now I'm starting to believe that there is truth to the lies.

for the sake of writing....and love

Lately, I've been working a lot! I have two jobs...and it's all great and everything. (not really) but I need the money really bad...so, it will do for now...til I can do better. I been trying to write a script for this movie my friends and I are trying to do. We are really trying to make it a good one this time. I mean, all of the movies were good but this one will be longer than 5 mins and the acting will be better...and well, just all that good stuff. :) haha
I hate that every job I do is basically me doing heavy lifting, cleaning toilets and dealing with unmanageable customers. Most of them are dumb as wall paint. But...what can I say? Those are the only type of jobs I can get while I'm in school who will work with my schedule. I'd probably kill to sit down sometimes. But I have faith that I will do better than this and it will pay off...somehow...sometime...soon...I hope.
I try to appreciate those things in life that make me smile and reminds me that life ain't so bad. I try. I try to not seem like I'm ungrateful for anything or try to look at the big picture. With me being of the female race....I think I skip that at times. But I do understand and realize that it always could be worst...and things happen for a reason. And as Marge Simpson said "things always work out in the end". Never could of been more right.
As confusing my life is right now...I still manage to find some sort of peace.
I wish you felt that way about me... still hoping and working towards trust and forgiveness...it's not easy. Maybe one day, I'll know what's on your mind and what is going on exactly...because confusion is my middle name.
I gotta go...time for..yep, you guessed it! WORK!
Till next time.

When my day comes...

I went to one of my close friend's graduation today to see her "walk". It was a exciting day. I was really happy for her! And at the same time, I got kind of sad because I should be there. But instead, I'm still there, watching from a far. She seemed happy at first and as the day went on, she seemed to have gotten sad or something. Will it be like that for me when I graduate? Will I be sad on the day I've been waiting for for a long time!? I don't exactly know what was wrong. But I know when my day comes, that weight will be lifted off my shoulders....
and then a new one will come... *sigh*
till next time...soon couldn't come sooner.

Just 'cause

At the end of the day, nobody cares...