when the lights don't shine as bright as they use to

Some people say writing is therapeutic. And in a way, I would like to think so. So, today's post isn't exactly one of my usual random post filled with nonsense. You see, I been going through fairly a lot in the past week or so. I'm still scratching my head on why is life so stressful now-a-days.

You know when you've done something wrong and you wish on everything that you could take it back? That you could change it. But you know you can't and it hurts so much because you can't. And the fact of knowing that you have to live the rest of your life with that poor judgement eats you alive. I try not to mess up when it comes to things in my life (good things) and every so once in a while, I slip. Sometimes, not so bad, others, pretty damn bad. I try to learn from my mistakes and not let them happen again. I'm only human as we all are. I use to didn't quite understand what that really meant. Maybe because I never had any extremely really bad regrets. But I do and so I know.

I wish on everything in this world I could change the way certain things were or have became. I wish I was a better person and that I could show people how much of a better person I could be. I never want to hurt anyone or anything. And when I do, I feel like dirt. Lower than dirt.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loving someone who doesn't love you- so I was told. And you know, it's also very true. It hurts just as bad, if not worst than being stabbed. I've never been stabbed but I can imagine how bad that hurts.

I've had many sleepless nights and sluggish days. And what came out of it? Nothing. Nothing at all. Just a lot of crying, hoping and praying in vain. Am I suppose to just get up and forget about you? That's not possible. Not at all...I can't find myself to do it. I tried just for the sake of my sanity and so I won't keep being such a pathetic soul...It's so hard. I can't. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and kick myself for being so stupid, young and dumb. If only I didn't make mistakes. If only I thought things through thoroughly and really just look what was in front on of me instead of complain, like most of us do. I forgot to count my blessings.

Lord knows how sorry I am and determined to make things right...if given the chance. How many is enough, though? Seems my time is up. And I cry harder thinking about it.

You'll get over it, you'll find someone else, you'll learn from your mistake and with that, it'll make you a better person- I've been told. Those are things I don't want to hear, at all. They don't make me feel better. They don't help the time past by any sooner. They don't make me feel less than garbage that I already feel.

I know I have work to do and things to get done, so I must live my life. I can't seem to get a grasp on things right now. Everything seems to be falling apart for me, once again.

All my dreams and hopes quickly falling apart way quicker than it took to get to where I am. Soon, I'll be back at square one again...a nobody. I'd rather live in my car than return to nothing....as a failure. I seemed to have failed at school, work, my relationship and my dreams, all together. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing.

I use to think I was decent as a person. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.

I wish I could make your heart forgive me and love me again. I wish I could make you feel the same about me. I wish I wasn't so dumb. All I want to do is make things right. I refuse to give up without a fight, as I always been. But when the day comes when you look me in my eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore, I'll be forced to go. Praying that I'll never hear that, I'll try and try until I can make a difference....because you mean that much to me. I don't care what I have to go through because it's no match to what I put you through.

You don't have to protect your heart from me. I wouldn't hurt you that way again. If only I could prove to you how sincere I am...that you're the only one for me and that I've been dumb. I don't wanna give up...please don't stop loving me for good. I feel I don't have much left.

next time...next time...

*why did I pour out my heart on a public blog?? because no one reads it anyway... :-/ *